New Beginnings

This is an essay that I wrote for my Focused Inquiry class at VCU. Read and comment below

New Beginnings

By Arianna Brown

Two years ago I would have never been able to imagine going to an amazing art school in Richmond, Virginia; I never thought I could be happy and confident in myself like I am now. Two years ago I was lost and in such a dark and depressing abyss; my dreams of the future were clouded and nearly non-existent. I was trapped in a unhealthy relationship that was tearing my life apart in all directions. But here I am today, in Richmond, Virginia attending college at one of the top art schools in the nation and living alone in my very own house.

No one would know what I have gone through by meeting me for the first time. I am so happy and optimistic about life now, and you can’t see the pain in my eyes anymore. I try not to tell a “sob story” about my past—I don’t want sympathy from anyone and I don’t want anyone to think of me any differently because of it, but—my past is a part of me forever. When I was fifteen I began a very serious relationship with a boy from my high-school, not even six months into our relationship he asked me to marry him, and I was dumb and naïve enough to say yes to this preposterous request. I thought he was my everything, no one had every loved me the way he did. I felt like I was on top of the world because I had him in my life, but in reality he was tearing my world apart from beneath my feet.

Eventually I became so depressed and angry at the world that I would write “poison pen letters” to my parents and tell them that I wanted to kill myself and that if they didn’t let me marry this boy then I was never going to talk to them or they would find my body cold and blue on the bathroom floor. I was lost and desperate for help, but I didn’t know where to go. I had pushed all my friends away for this boy. He was the only person I felt that loved me, and I clung to him like a baby clings to their mother. Codependent.

Luckily my parents were not about to let me wallow and crumble, and they knew that my boyfriend was the cause of all my troubles. So in the fall of 2011 they sent me into the west desert of Utah for seventy-two days where I was able to reconnect with myself through nature and hard, long hikes in the cold. After wilderness I was sent to a boarding school in Kalispell, Montana where I was able to heal from my past and grow towards my future.

Before wilderness and boarding school, my life was going nowhere fast. If I had stayed and had never been sent away I probably would have ran away with my ex, gotten married, had children and never gone to college. I imagine I would be some white trash hillbilly with no money and probably on my way to alcoholism to hide the pain of the awful relationship I was in.

It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get to where I am right now. I had burned a lot of bridges while I was in this relationship and my parents suffered the most from my cruel words and actions. And I had damaged myself down to the core. Forgiving myself for everything I had done and for letting myself get into such an abusive relationship and hurting so many friends and family members along the way was the hardest part of it all. Guilt isn’t something that can just go away by forgetting about it; it eats away at you until you are forced to face your demons. As I dealt with my problems and with the problems in my family, I started channeling my emotions into my art work.

I have always loved art and I’ve been taking art classes since middle school. In the past I saw art as an elective and fun class but not as something that would pave the way to my future—until I got sent away. In wilderness and boarding school, art became my coping mechanism, it was a “tool” I used to express my emotions and to meditate on my thoughts. I drew every day and I fell in love with art more and more. I’ve always been okay at drawing, but when I started dedicating myself to it I saw how good I could become and I realized that this is something that I want to pursue in college.

I remember touring schools across the east coast and when we stopped at VCU both my mom and I knew instantly that this is where I would be going. It was destiny, and we could feel it. I did early decision for two schools, VCU and NC state. I didn’t get into NC state which was a disappointment—luckily it wasn’t my number one choice—but because I didn’t get in I was afraid that maybe my SAT scores were too low and that VCU wouldn’t accept me either.

In the fall of 2012 while sitting in art class a call came in, and my teacher said it was for me. I walked over to his desk and warily picked up the phone thinking I was in trouble as I said hello. But then I heard my Mom, who was pretending to have bad news, “Hey Arianna, I have something important to tell you” she said in a sullen voice. “What happened?” I replied. There was a slight pause then, “YOU GOT INTO VCU!!!!!” with screams and happy tears she roared into the phone. I remember jumping up and down and squealing like a little girl because I was so excited, I forgot I was in the middle of art class and when I looked up everyone was just staring at me like I was crazy, but I didn’t care. I got into VCUarts!

After graduating high school in Montana of February 2013 I had a lot of time on my hands before August 17^th. In March I spent 21 days traveling Europe with my mom. When I arrived home it was time to get a job so that I wouldn’t be broke in college and so I could buy my own car. In early spring I decided I didn’t want to live in the dorms, since I had already lived in dorms for a year and half and it wasn’t something I wanted to do it again. My parents were on board with my choice and we began house hunting for a place near campus. As time was running out and August 17^th was closing in we settled on a foreclosed house in the Randolph Neighborhood that needed to be renovated.

This past summer we have been driving back and forth from Chapel Hill, North Carolina which is two and a half hours away to come and work on the house ourselves. I felt like we should have had a film crew and been on an HGTV show or DIY network show. The house was under work up until the last week before school started and thankfully it was already for me to move in on August 18^th. Unfortunately the girls that I wanted to be my roommates bailed out at the last minute and decided to live elsewhere.  I have the place all to myself.

During VCU orientation (for the Art school) we saw a slide show that shared a piece from everyone’s portfolio that was in attendance. As I sat there, I thought to myself “What on earth am I doing here? Some of these people are amazing and my work is nothing compared to theirs. Maybe this isn’t what I should be doing.” My first day of drawing class was like that too. I looked around and saw amazing artists destined for greatness and I was doubting my abilities as an artist and I second guessed my choice to go to art school.

But as the weeks passed and I put my best effort into my work I started to realize that this is where I am supposed to be, and this is what I am supposed to be doing in my life. And even though I still compare my art work to others work who I deem better, I know now that art is my passion and I’m still evolving and I have time to improve and become a great artist myself. Looking back at the past two years I am still surprised at how far I’ve come—from deep depression and feeling alone to living alone and being beyond happy with life and ever so enthusiastic about my future. VCU is my home now. It’s the beginning to a whole new and better chapter of my life.