I Feel Stuck

I feel stuck

as if my body has been struck

by a thousand pound truck.

Numb to the world around me

I want to be present,

but I can't move

I can't get up.

My body is there

I can see it.

I watch,

my chest slowly rising and falling

timid breaths they are.

In a dream like state

I feel as if I am drowning

in a wave of sadness

emptiness

loneliness.

It crashes into me

washing everything else away

my smile, my happiness my laughter.

and turns me blue,

With self-doubt, and depression.

I want to be happy I cry

but I can't.

I feel as if no one cares about me

even though I know some do.

But they are so far away

no one is here

here with me

no one can reach me

to comfort me from the fear.

no one can catch me

when I fall, and wipe away my tears

I feel as if inside of an internal prison.

Yelling from within

but you can't hear me.

You don't know

that I need you.

And I don't know how to tell you.

I don't know,

how to admit I'm not okay.

 As I awake, 

I smile,

 even though it is fake.

So I'll tell you everything is great.

And you'll believe me

Because I've learned,

how to put on that happy face.

Fake it til you make it

they say.

I feel as if I don't even matter.

I'm just waiting for someone to appear

to be my friend 

because they actually care.

waiting to feel like I'm not giving more of myself

then receiving, because I give and I give

But what do I get in return?

But I'll get on giving,

and I'll keep on grieving 

for a hand to hold 

and a shoulder to lean on.

In time I won't feel so abandoned

In time I won't feel alone.

But until then,

I still feel stuck.