Counterfit

I thought I loved him.

But really I only loved the Thought of him.

I was empty

and alone,

searching for some sort of happiness

for some type of escape.

And there he was,

so enticing and charming.

He drew me in.

I thought he cared about me,

that he was really there for me.

But we were both just using each other

for momentary happiness

some fake feelings of bliss.

I was addicted to the way

he kissed my neck

and caressed my skin.

He was my drug of choice

my ecstasy, my high.

But every night 

I was alone again

starring at the ceiling

with that same old empty feeling.

There was no love between us.

Just a poisonous Lust,

the everlasting search for momentary happiness.

I wanted love so badly

that I settled for its counterfeit.

He left me broken

with no hope of finding true love.

But I've learned a thing or two since him.

I don't need him.

I am not alone.

I am worth it.

I come from a society that 

tells women we are weak.

That tells us that we need a man

by our side to have worth.

To objectify and sexualize our bodies

to be considered pretty.

But these are all Lies.

See the thing is,

I am stronger without him.

I am beautiful no matter what.

I am perfectly capable 

of achieving my dreams on my own.

My Mistakes Don't Mean I'm Dirty.

My mistakes don't mean 

that I'm not Love-able.

My mistakes mean I am Human.

They made me who I am

and who I am is not determined by any Man.

I am my own creator.

I create my own identity,

I am who I want to be,

I am me.

So at work this week in the wilderness I had a lot of time to kick back and reflect on my life and my own experiences in life that were similar to the girls I was working with. A big reason that led these girls to be in wilderness is because of past destructive relationships that were full of abuse and manipulation which I am very familiar with since I went to wilderness to escape from the death grip of love of an abusive relationship that I was in when I was 16. 

As I was sitting and observing these teenage girls I decided to start writing, at first I was just journaling but then this poem came into my head and I started writing my thoughts down until this all was written on the page. 

A couple days after writing the poem a girl shared her relationship narrative about a relationship she had with a guy who was much older then her who she thought she loved and that she gave everything to, but he didn't love her at all, he cheated on her and left her, but yet as she was talking to us about him she was still saying she loved him because she was in love with the thought of being in love instead of actually having a relationship based in love. 

After she had finished sharing her narrative I was deliberating whether or not to share my poem with these girls since it was personal and I wasn't sure if they would take it as a good thing Staff was sharing or a bad thing Staff was sharing. But then I realized that if I was them(which i was at some point) This poem would be very important to hear. So I read it to them.

I started off nervously reading, but then grew confident in the words I spoke and as I was reading I knew it was powerful. They were all quiet(which is rare) and as I read I would look at them, and I could see it struck home with each of them in some way. 

When I was done reading there was a moment of silence. My co-staff turned to me with a smile of awe and delight and said "Wow, that was powerful." And then all the girls said they wanted a copy of my poem because it resonated with them a lot. 

Some days I see my past self in the girls I work with, and sometimes I wish I could just tell them that I went to wilderness too and that they can do it and that they will one day look back and miss it, maybe even enough to come back and work at one just like me. But telling them I went to wilderness will just make them focus on me and my life instead of on their own journey and healing process. 

I freaking love my job, I could do this forever. 

with love,

Arie