3 years
I am sitting here in the back yard of my grandparents house reflecting on my life on this beautiful October afternoon, just finished watching General Conference and now I'm listening to all my hipster indie music while writing this blog post. Technically this blog post is a day late and I was planning on writing something yesterday but I got caught up in a bunch of things, like buying myself a pair of glasses and watching Conference and then hanging out with my best friend Madeleine and then we did a photoshoot (the photos will be posted very soon) and my glasses are super hipster and perfect for me. I'll attach a photo at the bottom of this post as well to show off my good looks.
Now enough random chatter, lets get on to this blog post.
3 years is really not that long of a period of time in the long run. But my 3 years is also such a long time and so many things can happen in 3 years time. For example 3 years ago yesterday (10/4/11) something crazy happened in my life. Something that I am sometimes afraid or embarrassed to tell people in person because I don't want them to see my differently or judge me because of my past. But at the same time I am very open about it, its something I am proud of, its something that changed my life forever, its something that saved my life. So what is that something? What happened 3 years ago on the 4th of October that could have such a great impact on the rest of my life?
Wilderness.
3 years ago, I was awoken out of a deep sleep, one of the deepest and most peaceful sleeps I had, had in months. It wasn't my parents who woke me up, it wasn't my boyfriend, or my dog or anyone I knew for a matter of fact. It was two strangers who stood above me saying words that didn't make much sense to me. They called me by my name, they knew my name... how did they know my name? Why were there two random people in my room, telling me that I was leaving and going with them? I looked past the two strangers and saw my parents standing in the doorway, their faces seemed sad and pained and their eyes were puffy and wet like they were either about to cry or had been crying the whole night beforehand. I don't remember if my parents said goodbye to me or not, but either way they vanished and left me alone in my room with these people whom I had never met before.
They are called Transporters, they are the people who your parents hire to kidnap you and take you away to get help. Most kids aren't very cooperative and I know many a kid who had to be handcuffed all the way to their destination because they tried to run away from or punch the transporters. Luckily I had a nice experience with the two strangers who took me away. For some unusual reason I was very calm and very peaceful with the whole being taken away thing. Honestly I was relieved. I had been looking for an escape from the life I was living for quite some time.
I was told to get dressed and that I didn't need to bring anything with me. So I put on my favorite skinny jeans and some random T-shirt, I put my grey UGGs, brushed my messy hair and grabbed a journal and a pen since I knew I would probably want to record this day and remember the days events, and also have something to do(write and draw) so I wouldn't have to make small talk the whole entire time with my kidnappers. We walked down the stairs, past the kitchen and out the front door. I pulled myself into the giant Ford truck and laid down on the back seats. The transporters tried to talk to me, but their words were all just a blur to me, I can't really remember anything they said other then the word Utah. So I laid there sitting in silence, trying my best to cry silently so my sobs wouldn't make them turn and look at me. I wanted to be alone and for them to just leave me be in my wallowing uncertainty. I had no idea what was going on, other then the fact I was going to Utah. Why was I going to Utah? Was I going to move in with my Aunt? Was I going to move in with my Grandparents? What was in Utah? I was literally just there the previous summer visiting family. Utah.
We arrived at the airport around 7 am, I already had a plane ticket to get on the plane to go to Salt Lake. We walked through airport security the quickest I had ever walked through a security line before, probably because none of us had bags. We walked over to the gate and sat down just waiting. The male transporter offered to buy me ice cream--I think my mom had told him previously that I loved ice cream. I accepted his offer although I wasn't able to eat even a fourth of it since my stomach was so tight due to all the stress and anxiety of being taken in the middle of the morning. I sat there also trying my best not to break down into hysterical sobs, I didn't want to draw attention to my situation. However there was a mid-forties aged Man sitting across from me and the two transporters who were on either side of me. He could tell that obviously these two people were not my parents, he could see the sadness in my eyes and he just starred at me like I was some abandoned puppy that animal control was taking to the pound. At least that's the way I felt when he looked up at me.
The plane ride seemed to take forever, I stayed quiet and started to draw and write in my journal. The male transporter started to talk about his life and ask me stupid small talk questions. He then showed me pictures of his family and of his dog--I doubt he had ever done that with other kids he had taken away. He said that I was the nicest kid he had ever taken. He told me about the crazy stories he had of transporting other kids, like getting punched or taking a kid that had a knife under his pillow so they had to tackle the crap out of him to get him cuffed and into the car. I was glad I didn't fight the process, I just accepted it and hoped for the best.
After the endless plane ride to the SLC airport the two transporters hugged me goodbye and then sent me into the care of Two different strangers, this time both females, who were oddly cheery and perky for coming to the airport to pick up a troubled teen. It was an odd experience to drive on the 1-15 and not be heading towards my grandparents house but instead be driving to Lehi, Utah which I had never been to before. The ladies also asked me the same sort of annoying small talk questions, I would give short quiet answers and eventually they let me sit in silence while they talked to each other instead of to me. We arrived at Outback Base(the business side to wilderness) The two ladies gave me a bunch of paper work to fill out while they got a bag together of all my new Wildy attire and gear. I got changed into my new super cute Wildy clothes and then I had a short meeting with my new therapist, Tim Lowe.
I didn't feel like being very open with him about my past, so I told him a couple of half-truths and a little white lies. Because I was used to lying, I did it to my parents all the time and I did it to myself even more.
After I had everything set and ready to go, we went to the doctors office to get me a physical just to make sure I was healthy enough and weighed enough to carry a 40 pound pack. I had to get my blood drawn too and the nurse took no pity on my poor veins as she missed and had to fish around and she didn't even care. She just saw me as another one of those troubled teenagers from Outback that probably did drugs and a whole bunch of other crazy things that she didn't even want to know about.
We then left the doctors office and headed to Subway, which was my last "real-world" food for the next 72 days. I don't remember what I got but I did manage to finish the whole sandwich on the drive out into the middle of no where.
They call Wilderness, Wilderness for a reason, its literally in the middle of no-where. The parts of the country that no one lives except free range cattle and wild animals and hunters, and Dugway(the random military base in the middle of no where, where they do who knows what) The drive was long, it seemed longer then the plane ride from NC to UT but it was 5 hours shorter then that. The drive took us about 1 and a half hours to reach my final destination with the group of girls called the Lorikeets. I hesitantly took my first steps outside of the truck, on to the rough desert ground. There was nothing but sage brush and juniper trees all around. One of the women grabbed my bag full of gear and put it on the ground next to me. And then out of the trees a Blonde women named Kate emerged. She talked to the two women who had been with me the whole day for a little bit then she came to introduce herself to me. One of the 2 women grabbed my bag and carried it behind me as we both followed Kate into the woods.
As we walked deeper into the woods Kate talked to me and told me a little about Wilderness and the group I was in. I don't remember anything that anyone said to me that day, its all just a blur. I only remember the general topics that people told me about, but I don't remember a single sentence that was spoken. As we kept walking I could smell a fire, and soon enough we were at the group campsite. There was a group of girls huddled around the fire pit getting ready for dinner. One of the girls came up to me and told me that she had a dream about me coming the day before and that I looked exactly how she thought I would look according to her dream. Then all the girls started asking me what my name was and where I was from. I was overwhelmed and I felt like my heart was beating 5 times faster then it normally would. I was finally realizing that I was in the middle of no where and there was no where else to go, no where to hide, no where to run.
The Staff got my gear all set up and they set me a up a shelter made out of a grey tarp. After all my stuff was secure under my lovely tarp tent I got my food bag and brought it to the group camp area, as a newbie you don't sit and interact with the main group until a couple days later. So one of the staff and myself sat about 25 feet away and we dug out own fire pit and then she got out a bow drill set-- which at this point I had no idea could make fire, then she bowed a coal, blew it into flame and started a fire. I was in awe and in shock of everything that was going on around me. I couldn't focus, I couldn't eat. I just sat there while she explained the whole wilderness process and showed me the booklet that I would be working out of so that I could get out of here in a timely manner. I don't know how long we sat there, but by the time we went to bed it was pitch black outside and oh boy was it cold.
I bundled myself in a ton of layers and got myself all set up in my sleeping bag. It took me many hours to fall asleep. I lay there on the ground starring out into the darkness just asking myself how I got myself into this mess. Then I decided to pray--something I hadn't done in many months. I laid there and I cried while I prayed. I just cried to God, I wasn't sure if God was real, I didn't know if he could hear me but I prayed anyways because I had nothing else to turn to. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I spent 72 days in the West Desert of Utah, I was given a second chance at life, a restart button. Wilderness was the best thing that ever happened to me. If you read some of my other blog posts you would understand why it was so important at that time in my life to be sent away.
Its been 3 years, and I must say a lot has changed in my life from the person I was at 16 to the person I am right at this very moment. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything that has happened in the last 3 years and throughout all of my life before that has made me the person I am right now. I wouldn't be here today typing this blog post if I hadn't been sent to wilderness. I wouldn't be the same person I am right now if the things that did occur in the last 3 years hadn't had happened. There have been a lot of really great times and a lot of really hard times since my experience after wilderness. Wilderness doesn't solve all your problems, Wilderness was a wake up call, a shock to my environment, the beginning of the change. But changing is a life long journey. I am constantly re-correcting myself, and I am constantly making mistakes but I am able to learn and grow and become a better person.
To compare the person I am right now to the person I was three years ago is like comparing two completely different people.
3 years ago I was depressed, angry at the world and I hated my parents more then anything or anyone I have ever hated. I was emaciated, I hadn't been eating, I hadn't been able to sleep. I clingy onto life with only a few strands of energy remaining within me to persevere and live for my future. I was a liar, I lied about so many things, so many small and stupid things that I didn't even have a reason to lie about. I was stuck going down a bad path, and I couldn't seem to get myself unstuck. I was hopeless and I felt alone. I had turned my back on God and on the Gospel I had been raised in. I was in a toxic relationship that was a poisonous drug that I was addicted to. I was losing hold of who I was, I was lost.
But now I'm found.
Today I sit here, in Provo, Utah 3 years later. Sometimes I can't even believe the things I did, or the things I said back then. Reading through my old journals I marvel that it was my right hand that wrote those words. The same right hand that is typing away at the key board. Today I am stronger then I have ever been in my life(maybe not physically) but in all other ways. Today I am confident, where as back then I had hardly any confidence and I hated my body. Today I can say that I love myself, and I love all of myself, even if there are still parts that I don't like all that much... cough cough belly fat. Today I can say that I graduated high-school early, that I got my first job and I bought a car from it. That I got into the #1 public Art School in the Nation and that I completed my first year of AFO with all A's and B's and that even though I am switching my major and possibly(probably) transferring school I am proud of getting into the Interior Design major.
I've made lots of mistakes in my time after Wilderness. Everyone makes mistakes, but I've learned that my mistakes don't define me, they refine me. I believe in God again. Not only do I believe but I know with every fiber in my being that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows me by name and who loves me very much. I love being LDS, which is something I wasn't all too sure about for a couple of years, but now I find myself living in Utah(Mormon Meca!) and not just Utah, but Provo, Utah. Today I can say that I work in a wilderness program as a Field Staff. Although I don't work at the same Wilderness that I went to as a 16 year old, it is similar enough that I have strange moments of deja vu every now and then. I've decided over the past couple of weeks that I want to switch majors and study social work/psychology in order to become a therapist because I finally figured out that helping others is my passion, and art is more of my hobby.
Today I am healthy, happy, independent, strong willed, not afraid of making mistakes, not afraid to follow my heart, and overall just a better freaking person. I kinda sucked 3 years ago, and I apologize to anyone that I hurt or negatively affected back in the day. If I were to be in the same room with my old self I'd have a lot to say to her. But honestly I don't think she would be able to understand without having gone through wilderness.
3 years ago today, was the first day of the rest of my life.
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With lots of love,
Arie
Now enough random chatter, lets get on to this blog post.
3 years is really not that long of a period of time in the long run. But my 3 years is also such a long time and so many things can happen in 3 years time. For example 3 years ago yesterday (10/4/11) something crazy happened in my life. Something that I am sometimes afraid or embarrassed to tell people in person because I don't want them to see my differently or judge me because of my past. But at the same time I am very open about it, its something I am proud of, its something that changed my life forever, its something that saved my life. So what is that something? What happened 3 years ago on the 4th of October that could have such a great impact on the rest of my life?
Wilderness.
3 years ago, I was awoken out of a deep sleep, one of the deepest and most peaceful sleeps I had, had in months. It wasn't my parents who woke me up, it wasn't my boyfriend, or my dog or anyone I knew for a matter of fact. It was two strangers who stood above me saying words that didn't make much sense to me. They called me by my name, they knew my name... how did they know my name? Why were there two random people in my room, telling me that I was leaving and going with them? I looked past the two strangers and saw my parents standing in the doorway, their faces seemed sad and pained and their eyes were puffy and wet like they were either about to cry or had been crying the whole night beforehand. I don't remember if my parents said goodbye to me or not, but either way they vanished and left me alone in my room with these people whom I had never met before.
They are called Transporters, they are the people who your parents hire to kidnap you and take you away to get help. Most kids aren't very cooperative and I know many a kid who had to be handcuffed all the way to their destination because they tried to run away from or punch the transporters. Luckily I had a nice experience with the two strangers who took me away. For some unusual reason I was very calm and very peaceful with the whole being taken away thing. Honestly I was relieved. I had been looking for an escape from the life I was living for quite some time.
I was told to get dressed and that I didn't need to bring anything with me. So I put on my favorite skinny jeans and some random T-shirt, I put my grey UGGs, brushed my messy hair and grabbed a journal and a pen since I knew I would probably want to record this day and remember the days events, and also have something to do(write and draw) so I wouldn't have to make small talk the whole entire time with my kidnappers. We walked down the stairs, past the kitchen and out the front door. I pulled myself into the giant Ford truck and laid down on the back seats. The transporters tried to talk to me, but their words were all just a blur to me, I can't really remember anything they said other then the word Utah. So I laid there sitting in silence, trying my best to cry silently so my sobs wouldn't make them turn and look at me. I wanted to be alone and for them to just leave me be in my wallowing uncertainty. I had no idea what was going on, other then the fact I was going to Utah. Why was I going to Utah? Was I going to move in with my Aunt? Was I going to move in with my Grandparents? What was in Utah? I was literally just there the previous summer visiting family. Utah.
We arrived at the airport around 7 am, I already had a plane ticket to get on the plane to go to Salt Lake. We walked through airport security the quickest I had ever walked through a security line before, probably because none of us had bags. We walked over to the gate and sat down just waiting. The male transporter offered to buy me ice cream--I think my mom had told him previously that I loved ice cream. I accepted his offer although I wasn't able to eat even a fourth of it since my stomach was so tight due to all the stress and anxiety of being taken in the middle of the morning. I sat there also trying my best not to break down into hysterical sobs, I didn't want to draw attention to my situation. However there was a mid-forties aged Man sitting across from me and the two transporters who were on either side of me. He could tell that obviously these two people were not my parents, he could see the sadness in my eyes and he just starred at me like I was some abandoned puppy that animal control was taking to the pound. At least that's the way I felt when he looked up at me.
The plane ride seemed to take forever, I stayed quiet and started to draw and write in my journal. The male transporter started to talk about his life and ask me stupid small talk questions. He then showed me pictures of his family and of his dog--I doubt he had ever done that with other kids he had taken away. He said that I was the nicest kid he had ever taken. He told me about the crazy stories he had of transporting other kids, like getting punched or taking a kid that had a knife under his pillow so they had to tackle the crap out of him to get him cuffed and into the car. I was glad I didn't fight the process, I just accepted it and hoped for the best.
After the endless plane ride to the SLC airport the two transporters hugged me goodbye and then sent me into the care of Two different strangers, this time both females, who were oddly cheery and perky for coming to the airport to pick up a troubled teen. It was an odd experience to drive on the 1-15 and not be heading towards my grandparents house but instead be driving to Lehi, Utah which I had never been to before. The ladies also asked me the same sort of annoying small talk questions, I would give short quiet answers and eventually they let me sit in silence while they talked to each other instead of to me. We arrived at Outback Base(the business side to wilderness) The two ladies gave me a bunch of paper work to fill out while they got a bag together of all my new Wildy attire and gear. I got changed into my new super cute Wildy clothes and then I had a short meeting with my new therapist, Tim Lowe.
I didn't feel like being very open with him about my past, so I told him a couple of half-truths and a little white lies. Because I was used to lying, I did it to my parents all the time and I did it to myself even more.
After I had everything set and ready to go, we went to the doctors office to get me a physical just to make sure I was healthy enough and weighed enough to carry a 40 pound pack. I had to get my blood drawn too and the nurse took no pity on my poor veins as she missed and had to fish around and she didn't even care. She just saw me as another one of those troubled teenagers from Outback that probably did drugs and a whole bunch of other crazy things that she didn't even want to know about.
We then left the doctors office and headed to Subway, which was my last "real-world" food for the next 72 days. I don't remember what I got but I did manage to finish the whole sandwich on the drive out into the middle of no where.
They call Wilderness, Wilderness for a reason, its literally in the middle of no-where. The parts of the country that no one lives except free range cattle and wild animals and hunters, and Dugway(the random military base in the middle of no where, where they do who knows what) The drive was long, it seemed longer then the plane ride from NC to UT but it was 5 hours shorter then that. The drive took us about 1 and a half hours to reach my final destination with the group of girls called the Lorikeets. I hesitantly took my first steps outside of the truck, on to the rough desert ground. There was nothing but sage brush and juniper trees all around. One of the women grabbed my bag full of gear and put it on the ground next to me. And then out of the trees a Blonde women named Kate emerged. She talked to the two women who had been with me the whole day for a little bit then she came to introduce herself to me. One of the 2 women grabbed my bag and carried it behind me as we both followed Kate into the woods.
As we walked deeper into the woods Kate talked to me and told me a little about Wilderness and the group I was in. I don't remember anything that anyone said to me that day, its all just a blur. I only remember the general topics that people told me about, but I don't remember a single sentence that was spoken. As we kept walking I could smell a fire, and soon enough we were at the group campsite. There was a group of girls huddled around the fire pit getting ready for dinner. One of the girls came up to me and told me that she had a dream about me coming the day before and that I looked exactly how she thought I would look according to her dream. Then all the girls started asking me what my name was and where I was from. I was overwhelmed and I felt like my heart was beating 5 times faster then it normally would. I was finally realizing that I was in the middle of no where and there was no where else to go, no where to hide, no where to run.
The Staff got my gear all set up and they set me a up a shelter made out of a grey tarp. After all my stuff was secure under my lovely tarp tent I got my food bag and brought it to the group camp area, as a newbie you don't sit and interact with the main group until a couple days later. So one of the staff and myself sat about 25 feet away and we dug out own fire pit and then she got out a bow drill set-- which at this point I had no idea could make fire, then she bowed a coal, blew it into flame and started a fire. I was in awe and in shock of everything that was going on around me. I couldn't focus, I couldn't eat. I just sat there while she explained the whole wilderness process and showed me the booklet that I would be working out of so that I could get out of here in a timely manner. I don't know how long we sat there, but by the time we went to bed it was pitch black outside and oh boy was it cold.
I bundled myself in a ton of layers and got myself all set up in my sleeping bag. It took me many hours to fall asleep. I lay there on the ground starring out into the darkness just asking myself how I got myself into this mess. Then I decided to pray--something I hadn't done in many months. I laid there and I cried while I prayed. I just cried to God, I wasn't sure if God was real, I didn't know if he could hear me but I prayed anyways because I had nothing else to turn to. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I spent 72 days in the West Desert of Utah, I was given a second chance at life, a restart button. Wilderness was the best thing that ever happened to me. If you read some of my other blog posts you would understand why it was so important at that time in my life to be sent away.
Its been 3 years, and I must say a lot has changed in my life from the person I was at 16 to the person I am right at this very moment. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything that has happened in the last 3 years and throughout all of my life before that has made me the person I am right now. I wouldn't be here today typing this blog post if I hadn't been sent to wilderness. I wouldn't be the same person I am right now if the things that did occur in the last 3 years hadn't had happened. There have been a lot of really great times and a lot of really hard times since my experience after wilderness. Wilderness doesn't solve all your problems, Wilderness was a wake up call, a shock to my environment, the beginning of the change. But changing is a life long journey. I am constantly re-correcting myself, and I am constantly making mistakes but I am able to learn and grow and become a better person.
To compare the person I am right now to the person I was three years ago is like comparing two completely different people.
3 years ago I was depressed, angry at the world and I hated my parents more then anything or anyone I have ever hated. I was emaciated, I hadn't been eating, I hadn't been able to sleep. I clingy onto life with only a few strands of energy remaining within me to persevere and live for my future. I was a liar, I lied about so many things, so many small and stupid things that I didn't even have a reason to lie about. I was stuck going down a bad path, and I couldn't seem to get myself unstuck. I was hopeless and I felt alone. I had turned my back on God and on the Gospel I had been raised in. I was in a toxic relationship that was a poisonous drug that I was addicted to. I was losing hold of who I was, I was lost.
But now I'm found.
Today I sit here, in Provo, Utah 3 years later. Sometimes I can't even believe the things I did, or the things I said back then. Reading through my old journals I marvel that it was my right hand that wrote those words. The same right hand that is typing away at the key board. Today I am stronger then I have ever been in my life(maybe not physically) but in all other ways. Today I am confident, where as back then I had hardly any confidence and I hated my body. Today I can say that I love myself, and I love all of myself, even if there are still parts that I don't like all that much... cough cough belly fat. Today I can say that I graduated high-school early, that I got my first job and I bought a car from it. That I got into the #1 public Art School in the Nation and that I completed my first year of AFO with all A's and B's and that even though I am switching my major and possibly(probably) transferring school I am proud of getting into the Interior Design major.
I've made lots of mistakes in my time after Wilderness. Everyone makes mistakes, but I've learned that my mistakes don't define me, they refine me. I believe in God again. Not only do I believe but I know with every fiber in my being that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows me by name and who loves me very much. I love being LDS, which is something I wasn't all too sure about for a couple of years, but now I find myself living in Utah(Mormon Meca!) and not just Utah, but Provo, Utah. Today I can say that I work in a wilderness program as a Field Staff. Although I don't work at the same Wilderness that I went to as a 16 year old, it is similar enough that I have strange moments of deja vu every now and then. I've decided over the past couple of weeks that I want to switch majors and study social work/psychology in order to become a therapist because I finally figured out that helping others is my passion, and art is more of my hobby.
Today I am healthy, happy, independent, strong willed, not afraid of making mistakes, not afraid to follow my heart, and overall just a better freaking person. I kinda sucked 3 years ago, and I apologize to anyone that I hurt or negatively affected back in the day. If I were to be in the same room with my old self I'd have a lot to say to her. But honestly I don't think she would be able to understand without having gone through wilderness.
3 years ago today, was the first day of the rest of my life.
Picture time
3 years ago today
Today
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| technically yesterday |
(Right now)
Arie
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